How to write what now?
Yep, that was my reaction when asked to write a ‘how to’ on the subject. But, before we dive into this, let me tell you one thing: I AM NOT AN EXPERT. I’ve written a few stories that involved three people having consensual sex either with each other or in couples, but that does not mean I’m an expert. Hell, before all of this, I thought a ménage was a different word for threesome. I never liked the term ménage because it actually means household in French and have never used it for the word threesome (as the media/other people do). But the French make everything sound beautiful, don’t they?
Let’s start with the definitions. I feel it’s easier to write things when you have a basic understanding of the definitions, especially when it’s normally not in your writing vocabulary.
Ménage à trois: a household of three. Like, literally. A mum, dad, kid. Three adults. A mom and two kids, etc etc.
Threesome: In human sexuality it means that three people (no matter what gender) are having (consensual) sex at the same time.
Polyamory: Poly means ‘many’ and amor means ‘love’. Many love. One person with multiple (more than one) lovers. Not to be confused with Polygamy (to have multiple spouses). Sex is not a requirement.
Now, here’s the confusing part…
In a ménage à trois, people can have a threesome and be polyamorous at the same time. People who are polyamorous can all live in the same house or not. They can all show a sexual interest in each other, but they also can not. You can also have a threesome without a ménage à trois, just have the extra person(s) come to you and voila. (Ohh French!). Just because you’re polyamorous, doesn’t mean you live in a ménage à trois and like threesomes.
Not confusing enough? How about this:
Living in a ménage à trois doesn’t mean you’re in a sexual relationship with the rest of the people living in your house. I mean, it’s a household of three. That basically means that my mum has a ménage à trois as she’s living with my two brothers. So yeah, no sex there, obviously.
I know someone who lives in a ménage à trois and he and his guys are in a poly relationship (they’re all exclusive to each other). They don’t participate in threesomes because while he’s attracted to both men, they are only attracted to him and not to each other. They live under the same roof because they can (and why shouldn’t they?). But sure, you say, this could also be a love triangle.
Is it, though? With love triangles, there’s usually secrecy involved or one lover has to split his attention to both of his lovers. In the case of this person, it’s not the case. There’s no rivalry or fighting over ‘who gets him the most’.
Since they all live together, they share the burden of common household chores, there’s equality and respect. They all bring something to the table when it comes to talents or personality and help each other when in need or distress. If there would be a child in play, they’d share the care of that child with each other (instead, they have a goldfish). There is no jealousy and they’re loyal to a fault.
I could say that it’s basically like living with flatmates/roommates or with other adults without you feeling any kind of affection for them. You do everything together, or not. You respect each other for who you are and what you can’t or cannot do. (The sex is a bonus)
I know of someone else, and she lives on her own, but she frequently invites her two lovers over for a threesome. They’ve been seeing each other for years, but they’re not a ménage à trois because they don’t live with each other due to them having work on other ends of the country. You could say they’re in a poly relationship, they’re mutually exclusive to each other.
Also; just because someone’s polyamorous, doesn’t mean they like sex! (Mind blown!)
I don’t know how to make the differences clearer, to be honest. I know that a lot of people misuse the words ménage à trois when they mean a threesome. This is a common mistake, and I suppose people like the French words better because… it’s French. It’s automatically sexy. And what’s worse is that even the media uses the word instead of threesome. Probably because it’s French. And it’s classier.
And doesn’t sound as vulgar as the word threesome so people feel more free to talk about threesomes when it’s called ménage à trois? I dunno… It doesn’t help that the media and pop stars talk or sing about ménage à trois when they mean threesome.
It probably has something to do with how language mutates over time, but it doesn’t mean it’s the correct term, no matter how many people use it. If you want to use the correct French word for a threesome it’s something along the lines of plan à trois (plan for three) or partouse (orgy).
TL;DR: It’s not ménage à trois. It’s plan à trois or just simply threesome.
So how to write a threesome? You start with the basics! What’s important in any kind of relationship is communication. How can you consent to anything when there’s no communication? You should feel free to discuss your wishes. What if you’re a duo and you want to bring in someone else for once, just for kicks? You can’t just land that in your partner’s lap, can you? Like… bringing them home and say “Honey! Tonight we’re going to have a threesome!”.
If you’re writing an established threesome, it’s still important to communicate and consent is still important as well. One of your characters may not feel like it that night or there’s a fantasy that one of the participants have and would love to act out. You have to make sure all your characters are on the same level. Your characters should respect each other and their boundaries (communication!). Make sure it’s safe (in all aspects, condoms, lubricants, consent, sane, etc). No one gets left hanging/left behind. Yeah, would you like it if you got all worked up and unable to get your rocks off because the other two have already finished and are snoozing? No!
Note: A threesome could very well be two people having sex and another one watching/masturbating. Voyeurism is a very exciting kink to explore for your characters!
As to write it all out… well… it’s just like writing vanilla sex, really. It’s like a dance, you have to know where all the players are, what they’re doing and where their limbs are. You don’t want to end up having an arm in the way or not even in the picture. A person has two arms, two legs, ten fingers, ten toes – unless they’ve lost some.
Sex can be messy and sloppy with all those bodily fluids. Imagine how it’d be like in a threesome!
So yeah, these are the basics that should get you far with writing these kinds of stories.
For more about polyamory, I suggest you visit these links where things get explained more in detail:
Aithne – Polyamory for writers (also with links at the bottom of the article!)
Morkisey – What is Polyamory? (very short, also with more links at the bottom)
If you have any questions, or other ideas for me to write about, feel free to seduce me on facebook!